Intercambio

Today was the first day of my "intercambio". At the school that I take Spanish classes they offer a program, "intercambio", where you exchange language practice with a person native to the language you wish to learn. For me, I am paired with five native Spanish speakers who are trying to improve their English. Luckily, today I only met with two of them.

I was really nervous to do this program. For a while now, for most of my learning Spanish life, I have had a mental block against speaking Spanish. I can read, write and understand very well, but when I go to speak my tongue turns into a brick and my mind goes blank. I can say everything in my head to myself but when I open my mouth nothing comes out, and what does come out is usually wrong. Don't get me wrong, I can communicate and get by and have small talk, but I can't express my opinions or feelings.

I thought coming here and being immersed into the Spanish speaking world would provide a magical solution to my speaking problem. Of course my Spanish has improved but my core issues still remain. And it hasn't been hard to find ways to hide and escape from having to exercise my spanish skills. Now though, this second time around, since this is really the beginning of the end of my time here, I am trying really hard to put myself out there and bring down my wall. I want to learn more and feel less confined and timid. This program will not only help me with my spanish speaking skills but I know it will overall enrich my experience because I will be able to have a relationship with Spanish people beyond the people I see everyday at my job. I want to have a full experience. The intercambio is my solution, or at least I hope. 

My partners and I met today in the school bar, aka cafeteria, aka cafe/you can order food here but I wouldn't call it a restaurant. My friend Henk (a retired Dutch 65 year old man who lives in Sotogrande and golfs all day with his wife) came along. He speaks English fluently. I wanted to have another English speaking person there to balance out the two Spanish people I was meeting with. He was happy to come since he wants to practice his Spanish. Since this was the first time all of us met, we decided to briefly, one by one, and in their foreign language, give an introduction about ourselves. The Spanish girl, Monica, studied Chemistry and since she couldn't find a job teaching after she graduated 7 years ago she now works at the casinos in Gibraltar. The Spanish man, Daniel (pronounced Danielle), is a PE teacher at a private school and likes to play padel, like the rest of Europe, but I still can't figure out what that is exactly (no, it's not racquetball or tennis, but it does involve a wall, a ball and a racquet). Then it was my turn to talk about myself. My issues started to present themselves - my mind went blank, I started twitching and getting really nervous, then I started uncontrollably cursing and my skin turned green!!!! Just kidding, but my mind did go blank and all the Spanish I have ever learned seemed to slip out of my mind. I stumbled through my introduction and felt pretty illiterate and stupid. In the moment I was angry with myself. I know how to speak, I just have stage fright. I can do this, right? I know I just need to let go, and over time I hope this program will help me do that.

So, we will see. Everyday is a new struggle to speak, but everyday is also an opportunity to improve. Hopefully I can open up enough to be fluent by the time I leave.

Hasta luego.